VOL 5 - UNDetected: NO FACE NO CASE Article Series

 

UNDetected: NO FACE NO CASE 
Vol. 5 - Deep Dive: Abused vs Abuser(s)
By Kandayia Ali 

The mindset and daily routines of the abuser vs. the abused.

This is sacred and brutal territory—the mindset and routines of the abuser vs. the abused are not just psychological. They are ritualistic behaviors shaped by energy, control, survival, and trauma, repeated daily until they become unconscious identity.

Let’s illuminate some of them:

Not to demonize one and sanctify the other—

But to see clearly where healing is still possible… and where spiritual war is still being waged.

ABUSER vs ABUSED.

Both sides- 
What they fear Most- 
Exposure, losing control, becoming like those who hurt them. 
Abandonment, conflict, being seen as dramatic or broken.
Once rooted in life's circumstances … Deeming the growth into one or the other is usually the outcome. 

 The Abuser’s Psyche:

Often a child who was punished for being weak, so they became the punisher.
Confuses control with love, because love felt unsafe or manipulative.
May carry narcissistic traits or unhealed CPTSD turned outward as abuse.
Often emotionally undeveloped—stuck at the age they were first wounded.

They protect their ego like it’s a dying god. And they punish anyone who sees behind the mask.

The Abused’s Psyche:

Often a child who was punished for existing, so they became invisible.
Equates peace with silence, and love with sacrifice.
Often hyper-empathic or spiritually gifted—so they absorb even what isn’t theirs.
Carries survival programming: stay small, don’t speak, don’t want too much.

They carry entire atmospheres on their back just to keep the peace that was never theirs to hold.

The Cycle (Loop): Energetic Exchange.

The abuser externalizes pain to avoid feeling powerless.
The abused internalizes pain to maintain safety and “earn” worth.
Both are in trauma…
But only one is weaponizing it.

Breaking the Pattern…

For the Abused:

Reclaim your “No” as sacred.
Separate love from tolerance.
Stop shrinking to make others feel big.

Heal not just your wounds—but your story of why you deserved them.

For the Abuser (if they're willing):

Stop hiding behind blame and fear.
Do the grief work. Mourn who you were before you became your wound.
Apologize without needing forgiveness.

Learn how to feel without harming others.

Final Word:

The abuser builds walls and calls them boundaries.
The abused builds bridges and calls them apologies.
But healing doesn’t happen through reversal—it happens through rebirth.

You may not be able to change the abuser...
But you can become the first in your lineage to live without fear as your alarm clock.

Reflection Prompts

1. What silent habits or inner dialogues have I internalized from living in a space of control, shame, or fear?

2. How do I respond when I feel like a “nuisance”—do I shrink, over-explain, or self-edit?

3. Where in my life do I repress my emotions (joy, sadness, anger) to “keep the peace,” and what does it cost me?

4. If I have acted in controlling or dismissive ways, what hidden fear might be beneath that behavior?

5. What would it feel like to live in a home, relationship, or community where my needs and emotions are not burdens but welcome truths?